How to get to the Dwarflands - Part 2

From Thief Town to the Seventh Pillar

In a molten sphere in the center of the earth resides the dwarfish deity, the Most Low God. He is circled by six concentric tunnels that stretch the circumference of the earth. An enormous stone cylinder moves through each of these tunnels, rotating around the Most Low God. These hollow cylinders are called the Pillars, and the Dwarves make their cities inside them.*

The Dwarves judge time by the rotation of these pillars. Once every cycle the pillars align perfectly, and it is possible to walk straight from the first pillar to the last. It's a time of celebration, but also of judgement. Each dwarf is evaluated on their actions from the past cycle, and moved up or down the pillars based on their merit. Within each pillar, Dwarves are strictly ranked - come the Alignment, the kings of the upper pillars descend to become to beggars of the pillars below.

Sixth Pillar

"Sa’ah". Destroyed long ago. The only remains are the giant tunnel that once housed it, and the ruins under the bog of thief town. The thieves have stripped most of the treasure clean, but there's a ruined dwarf-house that still stands in the darkness just beyond thief town, guarded by some kind of tentacled barnacles.

There is an intact passage under the throne of the thief king that leads down to the lower pillar.

Fifth Pillar

"Hatma", a great bazaar where the majority of dwarvish peasants live, work and trade. All dwarf children live here in great, squabbling orphanages.

Fourth Pillar

"Nati", the great furnace. This is the heart of dwarvish industry, a constant heat of blacksmithing and building. Through some curious process, they are able to use fires without producing smoke.

Third Pillar

"Saqar", the perfumed garden. All dwarven women reside here until they are ready to be married, tending the vast subterranean garden that feeds all Dwarves. Dwarfmaidens are said to be so beautiful that glimpsing even an inch of their flesh unprepared would kill a man instantly, so they must wear full black robes while away from the third pillar. They reveal themselves to their lovers inch by inch over a period of months, until they can view them entirely without being destroyed.**

The pillar holds troops of إنسان آلي, automated men which work for the comfort and protection of the ladies. These machines are ingeniously designed to pour tea, offer towels and water for hand-washing, or play short pieces of music. There are also scattered monasteries, where those chosen to ascend descend to the second pillar must spend a cycle meditating and fasting.

Second Pillar

"Jahim", the pillar of Glory, city of the dwarf kings. The greatest of the dwarves reside here, raised to the second pillar by the judgement of the Most Low God. These are typically the greatest philosophers, scientists, leaders and priests of the age, along with those judged worthy enough to serve them.

The workshop of Al-jazari is here, where he works on the most beautiful and terrible of his automated war machines.[1][2] So too is the head church of the Dwarf Pope, known as the First Eye of the Most Low God, who sits in judgement of the deeds of each dwarf. Below him are the Million eyes, priest spies said to infest each pillar and report on the actions of every dwarf.

One of the most fearsome of Al-jazari's mechanical war beasts.

First pillar

"Hawia", the pillar of Faith. A vast labyrinth that holds the seven monstrous children of the Most Low God, along with their jinn servants. All dwarves must make a pilgrimage here at some point in their lives, to worship at the feet of one of these so-called Angels.

1. Lolth, the spider queen. Her servants are the Drow.

2. Gloria of the glass, a transparent maiden who can manipulate minds and memories. Her servants are the Shards. They carry glass books, which can absorb minds to be fed to their mistress.

3. Bahamut, an enormous fish with an elephant head, said to hold up the world. He has no servants.

4. Al-Qaum, a pillar of blood with three faces embedded within it. These faces change to become the mother, father, and eldest child of whoever views it. His servants are the skinless children.

5. Almaqah, an enormous penis made of vaginas. The dwarves have sworn this isn't a joke. It's servants are some kind of women with bellies that distend, wormlike, opening onto rows of teeth.

6. Malakbel, a collection of 700 golden masks grouped into a hoovering sphere. Each mask whispers secrets constantly. Her servants are headless men.

7. الحصان الساق, lit. "Leg horse".

Seventh Pillar

Jahannam, what we call the outside world. The Dwarves believe that our surface world is actually another pillar, enormous, but still underground. The stars and sun are merely holes in the roof of the pillar, where sunlight shines through from the true above ground. In that realm above sits the Most High God, the source of all evil.

As the farthest pillar from the Most Low God, the Dwarves consider us the most evil. The Dwarves that live here are the damned, outcast from every other pillar and forced to walk under the rays of the Most High God.

*I have written this story as it was told to me by the Dwarves, but the distinguished reader will be able to see the holes in it themselves. As Bomgumblewitz is the only true god, this Most Low God cannot exist, and the lower pillars of Dwarfland are doubtless empty.

**The dwarves describe their women as "like precious gems and pearls in their splendor, their clarity, their purity, and their whiteness." They have full black eyes, and blinding white skin, "so delicate and bright... that you can see through to the bone marrow on the delicate flesh of their legs."[1] Obviously this does not match with the Dwarfmaidens we see above ground. The dwarf men explain that this true state slowly fades as a woman spends time away from the Garden, which is why all women must gather at the third pillar once every cycle.

How to get to the Dwarflands

The Dwarflands lie beneath the Dying Desert. There are many tunnels, wells and caverns that lead there; this is the fastest route I've discovered. Other routes may be safer, but lie deeper into the desert, where the salamander packs flow like waves.

Part one: From Snake-Eye to Thief Town

Snake-eye is a small village at the edge of the desert, so infested with snakes that their local oasis is composed of 2/3rds venom. The locals drink this poison as water. Pure water itself is poison to them; the local apothecary will make you pay through the nose to get it, so be sure to bring your own supplies, and be careful to conceal them from the town guard.

The Snakers have a curious finickiness about showing skin, perhaps inherited from the dwarves below them. During the witching hour, it is forbidden to view any flesh at all. For this reason they sleep in long burqas, and close the whorehouse at 11.1 Conversely, you must bare everything before the eyes of god and the law. Everyone goes naked in the Snake Temple, which doubles as the towns' church and court-house. Thus, even the most boring trials receive massive audiences.

Under the village lies the true heart of Snake-Eye: Thief Town. The thief lords of the desert use underground caverns to smuggle goods everywhere under the sands, and Thief Town is their base of operations. Snake-eye acts as the above-ground cover, and it's true nature will become obvious as soon as you enter the swarming crowds. Anything you haven't nailed to you will be stolen, to be taken and sold in Thief town. Don't try to go to the guards: they're all corrupt.2

Your only hope of retrieving your belongings is to track them down to Thief-town. There are many secret entrances in the dry wells of Snake-eye, but they're often guarded, and the passwords change weekly. Your best bet is to befriend a local. If that fails, try barging through into the back room of the Asp Hole (the local inn). Descend the ladder there, and then cross through the tunnel below, stepping on the lettered tiles in this order: S, E, S, A, M, E.

Below is an enormous tunnel, perfectly circular, that stretches through the entire length of the desert.4 It's large enough to house a city. Instead, rickety wood ladders and platforms are lashed to the walls in a massive, decaying network that extends down to the twinkling lights of Thief-Town below. Crouch low to the wood as you climb. The ladders are infested with a debased species of lizard-dwarf, which love to leap across and pull travelers down into the dark.

Those able to communicate with these savages may gain access to their home platforms5, which hang in the center of the tunnel from a thread of some strange secretion. Their eggs litter the bottom of the platforms, stuck upside-down. When they hatch, the younglings fall to the ladders below. They swarm there, devouring anything they can, until they gain the strength to climb up and join the adults. The ground of thief town is a bog, fertile with the decaying corpses of lizard younglings: only the strongest climbers survive.

The houses and walkways of Thief Town are raised on stilts and lit with torches. The population is mostly Dwarves, evil or mutated7, exiled here from the lower dwarf lands. Thieves of every color ride here in centipede caravans to fence stolen goods from everywhere in the desert. If it's stolen, you can find it here. If it's not, they can get it.

Gold is king, of course, but Card Wars is god. The thieves play it religiously; a master can win a lot of loot without spending a cent. Trick is, the game doesn't appear to have any rules. Players place down cards in intricate combinations, then explain themselves. "Dog and Door," grins one, "That gives me five gemeralds and places the moon in blood quadrant, upgrading my eyes to diamonds." "Clever," responds the other, "But   you've left yourself open to my Hidden Imposter!" Neither will admit to making it up on the spot. The better bullshitter wins the day.

Cards must be stolen or won off other players; I've reproduced a selection below.

Full card list here - open "How to win at Goblet Grotto.zip" and then "Glyphs".

Thieves whisper that the game is more serious than it may appear. It was invented by the first Dwarves,8 in honor of their now-forgotten gods. Those gods still linger and can always be called to judge a match of their favorite game. Spit and swear "D'hol Kha-ti" ("I take this duel to the shadow realm"), and the stakes of the match will be enforced by their watchful gaze.9 The Thief King is said to be particularly fond of this past-time. His house is surrounded by torn souls, flapping on stakes - gamblers who were ripped apart by the old gods when they could not satisfy the impossible stakes he set.

Next: From Thief Town to the Seventh Pillar of Dwarfland

1 I've heard rumors that snaker flesh transforms monstrously during this hour. I tried to verify this, but the woman fled at the last minute.

2 If you happen to kill one of the guards,3 check their mouth. They keep all their money hidden there as teeth, and the richest guards will have grins of pure gold. Take care, though: many of them place booby-traps, set to explode with acid as soon as someone pulls out the wrong tooth. You can visit the local dentist if you wish to take similar precautions.

3 There is a rickety section of flooring in the lower cells of the jail that conceals a small hollow. It can fit two bodies, in a pinch.

4 And, if the dwarves are to be believed, the world.

5 The effort is well worth it. The lizards keep packs of chariot rats with the uncanny ability to cling to the walls and roof of the tunnel and run as if they were right-side up on solid ground. I managed to win a pack of my own in a game of Card Wars. They also accept barter; animals or men. 6

6 Whatever you do, do not allow the rats to gain a taste for man-flesh.

7 That is, more than four feet tall.

8 Or the first thieves, or both.

9 Never do this over ancient graves, or anywhere the forgotten gods have more than a flicker of power.

Desert towns

1. Snake-eye. All water sources within fifty miles have been totally contaminated with snake venom. The natives can drink venom, and they go around with snakes biting onto their chins as ceremonial beards. Outsiders can buy distilled water for extortionate prices.

2. Thief town. Thieves use a massive series of inter-connected water caverns to smuggle goods in and out of the desert. Their beggar king rules them from a massive ruin in a strategically placed cavern. A small town has sprung up on the surface based on the trade below, pretending to be legit.

3. Dahakha. It is illegal to show more than five inches of naked skin - except in the court of law, where it is illegal to wear any clothes. Once a year, everybody goes crazy and the whole town descends into an orgy of sex and violence. No-one mentions it the next day.

4. Empty town - everything still in place from when people lived here. Cactuses grow everywhere where people once stood.

5. Salthaven. Natives walk everywhere on carefully marked pathways, strewn with salt every day. Most keep a  satchel with salt on them at all times. Anyone who falls off the pathway while in town is tearfully exiled, and will soon be infested with demons.

6. Knife. Women have no flesh on the ends of their fingers, so their fingers just terminate in little skeleton nubs. Big flesh-eating termite mounds all around town - girls must put fingers in as secret womanhood ritual.

7. Aldivra. Constant red dust storms obscure everything five feet in front of you. All native adults wear white masks in the shape of their spirit animal, believe they are already dead.

8. Monastery town cut in the side of big rock. Peaceful desert monks secretly get drugged up and become crazed  Hashshashin's at the behest of their leader - a blind, deaf, dumb old man who weaves his instructions into a tapestry in the inner monk sanctum.


9. Super-advanced dwarven society lives underground to escape heat. Constructed like a series of giant wheels; as you go further up the path of enlightenment, you can live closer and closer to the secret heart of the city.

10. Grave town. Poor rabble live in the massive tombs of some long-forgotten previous civilization.

What's inside that hole?

1. Nothing. The hole collapses, burying you.
2. A nest of scorpions.
3. Termite eggs.
4. A secret genie treasure hole, with a beautiful trapped maiden! Genie will return shortly.
5. It's a sleeping giant's ear-hole.
6. A bottomless pit. A quaint society of termite-folk lives in holes carved out of the side. You can see light at the bottom.
7. A rabbit warren.
8. Utopian ant society.
9. Entrance to hell.
10. Ancient buried ziggurat.