Professor Quercus' Qorner

Some advice from one of my players, the wise Professor Quercus.

"Your problem is that you love us too much. You claim to be a PC killing maniac, but it's all talk."

"There's too many of you. I am weak. You all gang up on me."

"Of course we're going to fight you, we're spoiled children. You have to take a firm hand with children."

He's right. Conversely, I have some advice for players: Take off the black hats.

"Black Hat thinking" is criticism. Poking holes in an idea. Like, when I say "You open the door and a monster bursts out of the room!", someone who's got their black hat on asks "How did the monster get in there? What has it been eating? Why would it want to attack us?"

I don't know about you, but this happens to me all the time. I'm in creation mode, trying to make interesting stuff as quickly as possible in front of an audience, and my players are in problem solving mode, trying to find a way around my obstacles. I'm naturally going to leave a lot of gaps, and my players are naturally going to pick up on them.

If you can talk your way out of the plot hole, this might work out. Say: "Uh, the monster has a slave-race of tiny fungus-men that do nothing but bring it food all day." So now instead of a plot hole your players have an interesting thing to interact with, and your world is a little bit better.

No matter how you handle it, though, this always sucks away momentum in the same way that blocking does in improv theatre. When you critique like this you're taking energy away, not adding it. When the GM has to stop and think up an explanation, all the momentum he built up from that monster introduction disappears. Building up that momentum again is hard.

A GM is constantly giving energy to players by making stuff for them to break. For D&D to work, the players need to constantly give energy back. They do this by putting on funny voices, coming up with exciting plans, making jokes, and stabbing people in interesting ways. The best type of player gives out massive amounts of energy, to the DM and everyone else.

If you sit in the corner and don't add anything, then you're not giving the GM any energy - but you're not taking any, either, so it's sort of ok. If you wear the black hat, you're not adding anything, AND you're forcing the GM to spend more energy in making up more things. If you're wearing nothing but the black hat, then you're constantly sucking energy from the GM and giving out absolutely no energy of your own. This is the absolute worst kind of player.

There's a lot of writing out there on how to be a better GM, but not a lot on how to be a better player. If you're the kind of person who reads this blog you're probably already the raddest player possible, but I thought it was worth trying to articulate what kind of responsibility a player has.

How to get to the Dwarflands - Part 2

From Thief Town to the Seventh Pillar

In a molten sphere in the center of the earth resides the dwarfish deity, the Most Low God. He is circled by six concentric tunnels that stretch the circumference of the earth. An enormous stone cylinder moves through each of these tunnels, rotating around the Most Low God. These hollow cylinders are called the Pillars, and the Dwarves make their cities inside them.*

The Dwarves judge time by the rotation of these pillars. Once every cycle the pillars align perfectly, and it is possible to walk straight from the first pillar to the last. It's a time of celebration, but also of judgement. Each dwarf is evaluated on their actions from the past cycle, and moved up or down the pillars based on their merit. Within each pillar, Dwarves are strictly ranked - come the Alignment, the kings of the upper pillars descend to become to beggars of the pillars below.

Sixth Pillar

"Sa’ah". Destroyed long ago. The only remains are the giant tunnel that once housed it, and the ruins under the bog of thief town. The thieves have stripped most of the treasure clean, but there's a ruined dwarf-house that still stands in the darkness just beyond thief town, guarded by some kind of tentacled barnacles.

There is an intact passage under the throne of the thief king that leads down to the lower pillar.

Fifth Pillar

"Hatma", a great bazaar where the majority of dwarvish peasants live, work and trade. All dwarf children live here in great, squabbling orphanages.

Fourth Pillar

"Nati", the great furnace. This is the heart of dwarvish industry, a constant heat of blacksmithing and building. Through some curious process, they are able to use fires without producing smoke.

Third Pillar

"Saqar", the perfumed garden. All dwarven women reside here until they are ready to be married, tending the vast subterranean garden that feeds all Dwarves. Dwarfmaidens are said to be so beautiful that glimpsing even an inch of their flesh unprepared would kill a man instantly, so they must wear full black robes while away from the third pillar. They reveal themselves to their lovers inch by inch over a period of months, until they can view them entirely without being destroyed.**

The pillar holds troops of إنسان آلي, automated men which work for the comfort and protection of the ladies. These machines are ingeniously designed to pour tea, offer towels and water for hand-washing, or play short pieces of music. There are also scattered monasteries, where those chosen to ascend descend to the second pillar must spend a cycle meditating and fasting.

Second Pillar

"Jahim", the pillar of Glory, city of the dwarf kings. The greatest of the dwarves reside here, raised to the second pillar by the judgement of the Most Low God. These are typically the greatest philosophers, scientists, leaders and priests of the age, along with those judged worthy enough to serve them.

The workshop of Al-jazari is here, where he works on the most beautiful and terrible of his automated war machines.[1][2] So too is the head church of the Dwarf Pope, known as the First Eye of the Most Low God, who sits in judgement of the deeds of each dwarf. Below him are the Million eyes, priest spies said to infest each pillar and report on the actions of every dwarf.

One of the most fearsome of Al-jazari's mechanical war beasts.

First pillar

"Hawia", the pillar of Faith. A vast labyrinth that holds the seven monstrous children of the Most Low God, along with their jinn servants. All dwarves must make a pilgrimage here at some point in their lives, to worship at the feet of one of these so-called Angels.

1. Lolth, the spider queen. Her servants are the Drow.

2. Gloria of the glass, a transparent maiden who can manipulate minds and memories. Her servants are the Shards. They carry glass books, which can absorb minds to be fed to their mistress.

3. Bahamut, an enormous fish with an elephant head, said to hold up the world. He has no servants.

4. Al-Qaum, a pillar of blood with three faces embedded within it. These faces change to become the mother, father, and eldest child of whoever views it. His servants are the skinless children.

5. Almaqah, an enormous penis made of vaginas. The dwarves have sworn this isn't a joke. It's servants are some kind of women with bellies that distend, wormlike, opening onto rows of teeth.

6. Malakbel, a collection of 700 golden masks grouped into a hoovering sphere. Each mask whispers secrets constantly. Her servants are headless men.

7. الحصان الساق, lit. "Leg horse".

Seventh Pillar

Jahannam, what we call the outside world. The Dwarves believe that our surface world is actually another pillar, enormous, but still underground. The stars and sun are merely holes in the roof of the pillar, where sunlight shines through from the true above ground. In that realm above sits the Most High God, the source of all evil.

As the farthest pillar from the Most Low God, the Dwarves consider us the most evil. The Dwarves that live here are the damned, outcast from every other pillar and forced to walk under the rays of the Most High God.

*I have written this story as it was told to me by the Dwarves, but the distinguished reader will be able to see the holes in it themselves. As Bomgumblewitz is the only true god, this Most Low God cannot exist, and the lower pillars of Dwarfland are doubtless empty.

**The dwarves describe their women as "like precious gems and pearls in their splendor, their clarity, their purity, and their whiteness." They have full black eyes, and blinding white skin, "so delicate and bright... that you can see through to the bone marrow on the delicate flesh of their legs."[1] Obviously this does not match with the Dwarfmaidens we see above ground. The dwarf men explain that this true state slowly fades as a woman spends time away from the Garden, which is why all women must gather at the third pillar once every cycle.

How to get to the Dwarflands

The Dwarflands lie beneath the Dying Desert. There are many tunnels, wells and caverns that lead there; this is the fastest route I've discovered. Other routes may be safer, but lie deeper into the desert, where the salamander packs flow like waves.

Part one: From Snake-Eye to Thief Town

Snake-eye is a small village at the edge of the desert, so infested with snakes that their local oasis is composed of 2/3rds venom. The locals drink this poison as water. Pure water itself is poison to them; the local apothecary will make you pay through the nose to get it, so be sure to bring your own supplies, and be careful to conceal them from the town guard.

The Snakers have a curious finickiness about showing skin, perhaps inherited from the dwarves below them. During the witching hour, it is forbidden to view any flesh at all. For this reason they sleep in long burqas, and close the whorehouse at 11.1 Conversely, you must bare everything before the eyes of god and the law. Everyone goes naked in the Snake Temple, which doubles as the towns' church and court-house. Thus, even the most boring trials receive massive audiences.

Under the village lies the true heart of Snake-Eye: Thief Town. The thief lords of the desert use underground caverns to smuggle goods everywhere under the sands, and Thief Town is their base of operations. Snake-eye acts as the above-ground cover, and it's true nature will become obvious as soon as you enter the swarming crowds. Anything you haven't nailed to you will be stolen, to be taken and sold in Thief town. Don't try to go to the guards: they're all corrupt.2

Your only hope of retrieving your belongings is to track them down to Thief-town. There are many secret entrances in the dry wells of Snake-eye, but they're often guarded, and the passwords change weekly. Your best bet is to befriend a local. If that fails, try barging through into the back room of the Asp Hole (the local inn). Descend the ladder there, and then cross through the tunnel below, stepping on the lettered tiles in this order: S, E, S, A, M, E.

Below is an enormous tunnel, perfectly circular, that stretches through the entire length of the desert.4 It's large enough to house a city. Instead, rickety wood ladders and platforms are lashed to the walls in a massive, decaying network that extends down to the twinkling lights of Thief-Town below. Crouch low to the wood as you climb. The ladders are infested with a debased species of lizard-dwarf, which love to leap across and pull travelers down into the dark.

Those able to communicate with these savages may gain access to their home platforms5, which hang in the center of the tunnel from a thread of some strange secretion. Their eggs litter the bottom of the platforms, stuck upside-down. When they hatch, the younglings fall to the ladders below. They swarm there, devouring anything they can, until they gain the strength to climb up and join the adults. The ground of thief town is a bog, fertile with the decaying corpses of lizard younglings: only the strongest climbers survive.

The houses and walkways of Thief Town are raised on stilts and lit with torches. The population is mostly Dwarves, evil or mutated7, exiled here from the lower dwarf lands. Thieves of every color ride here in centipede caravans to fence stolen goods from everywhere in the desert. If it's stolen, you can find it here. If it's not, they can get it.

Gold is king, of course, but Card Wars is god. The thieves play it religiously; a master can win a lot of loot without spending a cent. Trick is, the game doesn't appear to have any rules. Players place down cards in intricate combinations, then explain themselves. "Dog and Door," grins one, "That gives me five gemeralds and places the moon in blood quadrant, upgrading my eyes to diamonds." "Clever," responds the other, "But   you've left yourself open to my Hidden Imposter!" Neither will admit to making it up on the spot. The better bullshitter wins the day.

Cards must be stolen or won off other players; I've reproduced a selection below.

Full card list here - open "How to win at Goblet Grotto.zip" and then "Glyphs".

Thieves whisper that the game is more serious than it may appear. It was invented by the first Dwarves,8 in honor of their now-forgotten gods. Those gods still linger and can always be called to judge a match of their favorite game. Spit and swear "D'hol Kha-ti" ("I take this duel to the shadow realm"), and the stakes of the match will be enforced by their watchful gaze.9 The Thief King is said to be particularly fond of this past-time. His house is surrounded by torn souls, flapping on stakes - gamblers who were ripped apart by the old gods when they could not satisfy the impossible stakes he set.

Next: From Thief Town to the Seventh Pillar of Dwarfland

1 I've heard rumors that snaker flesh transforms monstrously during this hour. I tried to verify this, but the woman fled at the last minute.

2 If you happen to kill one of the guards,3 check their mouth. They keep all their money hidden there as teeth, and the richest guards will have grins of pure gold. Take care, though: many of them place booby-traps, set to explode with acid as soon as someone pulls out the wrong tooth. You can visit the local dentist if you wish to take similar precautions.

3 There is a rickety section of flooring in the lower cells of the jail that conceals a small hollow. It can fit two bodies, in a pinch.

4 And, if the dwarves are to be believed, the world.

5 The effort is well worth it. The lizards keep packs of chariot rats with the uncanny ability to cling to the walls and roof of the tunnel and run as if they were right-side up on solid ground. I managed to win a pack of my own in a game of Card Wars. They also accept barter; animals or men. 6

6 Whatever you do, do not allow the rats to gain a taste for man-flesh.

7 That is, more than four feet tall.

8 Or the first thieves, or both.

9 Never do this over ancient graves, or anywhere the forgotten gods have more than a flicker of power.

Dangertopia!

Yeah, I'm finally posting it. Click this link to get a wilderness swamp zone encounter pdf, fit for all your weird adventuring needs.

Dangertopia! A riddle and a curse!

Rock paper Scissors brawls

You can challenge anyone to an unarmed brawl. If they accept, don't take your turn; instead, wait until it's their turn, and play rock-paper-scissors against them to determine the winner.

ROCK: Punch. If the punch damage reduces them to 0 HP, they're knocked unconscious. Some weapons like brass knuckles can be used to increase your punch damage, but I'd say the base is d3. In a tie, the one with the highest strength wins.

PAPER: Dodge. You must move, and you can perform one non-combat action (Picking up something, pulling a lever, pushing over a bookshelf, etc. It can still hurt a dude, as long as you don't touch them directly.) In a tie, the one with the highest dexterity wins.

SCISSORS: Grab. Only lasts for the turn. You can throw them as far as your Strength modifier in meters, or disarm them of a weapon or item. When disarmed, the weapon will clatter to the ground a few squares away (They can use a dodge action to pick it back up). In a tie, the one with the highest constitution wins.

Any attack against someone who's in the middle of a brawl will hit the other brawler if it misses. This means it's mostly in your interests to leave this Mano-e-mano. If the enemy does not accept your challenge (Or if they're surprised), then you keep in turn order: You punch, dodge or grab for free, and they take their turn as normal when it rolls around.

Implications:

Yomi - "Reading the mind of your opponent" - makes this into more of a mind-game than a dice roll. You need to judge whether your opponent wants to punch, dodge or grab, then do the opposite. Now, tie breakers are very powerful: They let you win two out of three match-ups. But wait; if the DM knows how strong you are at grabbing, then he'll use a punch - or does he know that you know that he knows?

Grabbing and disarming an opponent influences this yomi, by making the opponent predictable; You know they'll probably want to dodge, so that they can pick up their weapon. 

We had a fight near a cliff edge, and one of my players wanted to throw a guy off. However, when the Brawl turn came around, he'd figured out that I knew he wanted to throw a guy off, so he went for a punch. But I knew that he was going to realize that, so I craftily went for a dodge. What I didn't realize is that the bad guy was packed in. The only place he could dodge was straight off the cliff and down to his death.

That tension of suspending your turn until the enemy's turn rolls around is fantastic. While the others take their actions, you're looking across at the DM and pondering your next move.

Edit:

Colossus-Climbing rules

If you grab a large creature, you can climb up them. You can do this once for something giant-sized, twice or more if it's bigger. This gives you an extra dice of damage: d4 after one climb, d6, d8 and so on if you climb higher. If either you or the colossus dodges, you'll fall off.

So you see, you want to attack, but you'll need to grab on if the colossus tries to shake you off with a dodge.

Fighting Swarms

If you do more damage than a monster's remaining HP, you can overflow the remaining damage to any other monsters who are close by.

This means you can easily crush 4 1HP fairies in a single swipe. The same applies to PC's: A dragon could wipe out your entire level 1 party with a bite. You can avoid this effect by spreading out.

Dangertopia lives!

Super exciting news today, friends and followers. Matt Rundle and I are making a book called Dangertopia, building off the back of my old encounter tables to make a complete kit for every kind of wilderness travel you could need. We're releasing a part of it today, now, for free.

Download the PDF here

Insect Hell! The most dangerous of the five deadly swamp zones. Your PC's are likely to leave diseased, infested and dead. Roll on the left table to get encounters for every day you're traveling. On a 10 or under, the party will have a faction encounter on top of the normal one. Encounter the Soldier the first time you roll it, Elites the second time, and the Leader the third time.

If you like this, the most amazing thing you could do is playtest it and talk about it. Write about it here or on your blog, run a game at your table or on Google+; a full recorded session of people playing this would be orgasmic. Tell us how useful this thing is to you, and how we could make it better.

We're going to release more swamp zones in the coming weeks, without art. Probably two of the following:
-Acid trip Mardi Gras
-Giant Hermit Crab-ville
-Voodoo Casablanca
-Sunken tower of babel

The full book will have five of these zones for each different type of wilderness: Forest, desert, arctic, jungle, swamp, and (maybe) ocean. Life is weird, and we can't promise that either or both of us won't spontaneously combust and be unable to complete the entire project. Still, we're currently planning to sell every different type wilderness as it's own PDF as we finish it, then collect them all together in a single book. Whatever happens, we should release the full swamp sometime next month.